October 20th, 2022
Interview by Julia Suzuki
Guest: Graham Wilson, Psychologist and Leadership Specialist
Many express that the dating world has becoming increasingly difficult. With such a vast host of sites and companies it can be challenging to know which one to select and there have indeed been horror stories reported including some scary statistics. For example, Essex Police alone has 68 crime reports from the various online dating sites through 2021, including rape and theft. Another emotional risk is that the person you may date/ be chatting to online (not via a social group where you can at least get some external validation) may still be married. In fact, various predictions estimate up to 40 percent of all Tinder users are either married or have a girlfriend who has no idea they are on there. So, whether it is dating online or in the real world it’s a risky and often tricky business.
With all this in mind I have the pleasure of welcoming Graham Wilson to Ultimate Attraction blog with an open discussion about the perils of dating and how to overcome them. Graham teaches some of the greatest leaders in the UK and internationally to get results and founder of the award winning Successfactory. His key purpose is to awaken possibility in leaders and teams to deliver extraordinary results.
Graham, please share your views of the current dating world and its challenges?
First of all I have to be authentic here and say I’m in an amazing relationship and don’t use dating apps anymore! I met Nicola my partner via social media and a joint interest in business. I’d just written my first leadership book – Leadership Laid Bare and was asking for ideas on how best to market the book. What started as a discussion around marketing, leadership and business turned into a dinner date in Arundel.
We had an immediate connection; the energy was real, and our relationship developed from there. We’ve been together for just over 7 years now and live in the beautiful countryside in Cheshire. Our children have grown and flown the nest so it’s just us now focussed on living a wonderful life.
That said I have used dating sites in the past and I wish Julia and Ultimate Attraction was around then.
It’s so easy to meet people who are fake and not being authentic in any way. Perhaps desperate to be in a relationship and haven’t processed previous experiences to allow them to be themselves. It’s easy for them to be fake.
I’ve even had clients and friends contact me saying that my pictures are being used by people on certain dating sites! How bad is that.
When teaching leadership, we explore authenticity and what it really means. As a leader the only thing you are really in control of is your behaviour. You must make sure you choose wisely. We also talk about energy and frequency.
You can liken leadership to a transmit and receive situation. You transmit your energy at a certain frequency and if the person or people are on a different frequency, they won’t receive your messages! I’ve heard many people call it vibration. If they are on the right frequency, they will hear you and are more likely to follow.
One of the tools we use to ensure authenticity is to work with horses. They are prey animals and will detect any danger signals you are sending out. If you are angry, lacking confidence, needy, aggressive, stressed, desperate, over controlling, and tight – what we call red head thinking, they will see this as danger and not connect with you.
If you are relaxed, calm, confident, and being yourself- what we call blue head thinking, they don’t feel any danger and will connect with you. They will fall into your energy patterns and follow you. The relationship will build, and they will work with you, have your back and you’ll achieve amazing outcomes together.
It’s the same with human beings. We detect the energy the other person is sending out, and they receive ours. If we are both on the same frequency that’s where the magic happens.
So, what has this got to do with dating sites? You can get an initial feel for someone online, it’s not until you meet them you find the real connection or not. It’s easy to fake online! That’s where a matchmaking service is so vital. As a busy leader you haven’t got time to waste, when you meet you need to be sure it isn’t a complete waste of your time… or theirs.
It’s also a challenge to find out their intent and what they are really looking for.
To summarise I feel that the biggest challenge is finding someone who is real, has similar desire, vision, values, and goals to you and is on the same frequency/vibration.
What are the warning signs that you feel should be used for someone looking to date to help them navigate the dating world?
Our intuition and gut feel are powerful tools – we need to trust them more. We are taught just to use our heads, but our hearts and top part of our stomach contain the same type of cells as our brain. In fact, they are brains and should be used for decision making.
If something doesn’t feel right or you have nagging doubts – explore them more. Ask lots of questions and really listen to their answers – remembering it’s not an interrogation!!
Also be yourself, be real. Don’t try to be someone you would like to be! Being real should attract the right people.
What skills do you feel an individual requires to make a relationship work in this day and age?
Obviously emotional intelligence is key. Understanding who you really are, your personality, your behavioural style and strengths is important. Being able to build rapport, use empathy and be compassionate is key.
Most conflict arises from misunderstanding and conflicting values. Understanding who you are and how to understand where other people are coming from is powerful to build great relationships. Being curious, kind, caring and confident is important.
Developing your conversational skills is key. Being able to be present, really listen, ask questions, hold state, decode and be hyper aware of what is really being said are useful skills.
To build a real connection I love the work around types of intimacy. In a long-term relationship intimacy happens by being vulnerable and sharing experiences together. There are five types of intimacy: physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and experiential. To cultivate an authentically intimate relationship, you need to be able to use and develop all five.
Being aware of the five love languages is helpful to. People express and receive love in different ways. Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch are all different aspects. Not everyone communicates love in the same way, and likewise, people have different ways they prefer to receive love.
And finally, relationships don’t happen by chance. You must work on them. Talk lots, be vulnerable, share your feelings, learn together, plan together, play together and really trust each other.
What guidelines could you offer someone looking to start dating after a broken relationship?!
Wait and don’t rush into another relationship to satisfy your emotional needs. Process your feelings, talk to friends, review what happened and take the learnings. It takes time to recover, so use it wisely. Take time out to reenergise, build your vitality, have fun and enjoy being by yourself. Most of all seek support.
Once you are ready, then let it happen. Don’t force it. What will be will be. Use the support around you and trust the process.
If you look too early, you’ll be looking from the wrong mindset – even if it was a lucky escape!!
Leadership is about being, not just taking action. Take time to just be you and enjoy it. It’s amazing what you’ll attract.
Graham, Ultimate Attraction is a high end matchmaking company designed for busy professionals and entrepreneurs - all our clients are fully vetted and our team of matchmakers work tirelessly to ensure clients are matched well. What personal benefits can you see this agency holds over other dating apps and indeed how you feel it could benefit your type of clients?
Being busy building your business makes it hard to find the time to dedicate to finding a partner.
Hope doesn’t have to be the only strategy!
Having the support from Ultimate Attraction ensures you won’t be wasting your time and are more likely to find the right person to build a fantastic relationship with. Having a matchmaking company support you in finding someone on the same frequency is of immense value.
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